disappointment

so, Ru was supposed to come and see me this week, fly in today actually and this morning i found out he was not coming. i have been distraught all day. i feel like we have not had any true quality time together in a long while. i feel....disconnected. this was going to be my chance to reconnect. lots of things have been happening with me in RL......i feel like my head has been spinning for a long time and it is just now stopping.....when i really need him to be here with me to help me regain my focus he cannot be here. it is not his fault that he could not come and had to cancel at the last minute. life and death.......they do take their toll on us don't they? though i know it is not his fault and there is nothing he could have ever done to prevent the death that keeps him from me, i am still very angry .......... so very angry. i have not been this angry in a very long time. i am not an angry person really, but i use anger to decrease the hurt....the pain.... it is easier than feeling sad and lonely; but i feel more than my fair share of that right now as well. although i know i am more angry at the situation than at him, but.........

you see, it is his birthday. i love birthday's and who does not want to celebrate the birth of the person they love more than any other? well, i know some people, but we wont talk abt that. it is his first birthday for us as a couple. it meant a lot to me that he would be here..... at my place, in my surroundings, where i can drop my guard more than any other place we are together....... and i feel i have been very guarded lately due to these RL issues. i had such great plans for us. i have lots of firewood, i left him notes all over, i made him a cake and decorated it.....all by my self! yes, that is kind of frightening....but it was fun and i enjoyed it b/c i knew he would. i had beans soaking overnight for a great meal tonight.....AND i picked out a nice little school girl outfit, complete with newly "acquired" old school wooden ruler (i did not steal it from work, LOL) and laid it out on the bed. i was going to email him with a scenario at some point during the day, or write it out and come home at lunch and leave it on the desk for him....about what i had done that was so very naughty and deserved such a great spanking....well ......i found out very early this morning he was not coming. i was devastated. no kidding... i see myself as a strong woman, as most of my friends do, so it actually bothers me that i got so upset and angry abt it...... am still so upset and angry abt it. i keep trying to figure it out. why on earth would i feel anger toward the person i love more than anything for some thing he absolutely could not control? i have even said a couple of really horrible things......of course i apologized right away and i did tell him this morning that i was afraid i would do just that. but if he had any idea what i did not say........i think he would understand. on the contrary, i should respect him for going to be with his family, they really need him now, instead of blowing them off to be with me. i mean, he ate the air fare for his ticket......... it is an honorable thing he did..............but i hate it. i do. i hate it. Am i really so selfish? yes. yes i am....when it comes to ru, you bet your ass i am. i have never never never been like this ever in my life, esp not over a man. it scares me. i will admit. what have i gotten my self into? there is no escape. i have always been in control of my own life; not that i have made the best decisions all the time..... but, i do not feel so in control any more. i am not sure if i like that or not.......esp since we have .... complications yet to conquer. but i miss him. every minute of every day that we are not together.

ru, i am so sorry if i said anything that hurt you. i tried hard not to let my emotions get the best of me.........that is why i get quiet when i am upset........better not to say anything than say something i would regret. i love u so much. i know u feel i have been distant lately, but it is......you know....... and if it all works out, we will be closer. i really wanted you to be here. i wanted to share this with you. you made my birthday so special. i wanted to make yours the same. full of great memories. this was my turn to create them for you as you have created so many for me. i am sorry i have acted like such a brat today. i love you. more that you know.

Perversions

The dark perversions of the soul
Can be satiated but not controlled
They will wake and will invade
The pleading truce that you have made
They will creep in when no one's near
You'll feel their touch and whispers hear
And you will try to stand moral ground
But you'll give in, no solace found
Do not feel bad; do not confess
On dirty secrets we all obsess
So find a mate with whom to play
Whose perversions match so they will stay
At least with this you'll know you tried
So then you can be satisfied
You have a fetish and are perverse
Live it up don't feel the curse
Dirty little secrets we all keep
Enjoy them, live them, don't bury them deep
Fetish is out there, it's everywhere
So be proud of yours; be one who cares
Come out of the closet, so to speak
Enjoy your sex. Be a freak.

**i wish i could give credit to the artist of the above picture, but i do not know who it is. I truely love this pic and i wish i did know.

Back!

Sorry i have been away for so long. Life gets messy sometimes and you just have to deal with it. RL has been....hectic.....to say the least, but i think (i hope anyway) that things are slowing down now and i can get back to what i want to do.

So, with that said i suppose i will update everyone..... Ru and i are still going strong. it has been very lonely with out him here and since it is the holidays we have not seen each other as much as we would like. It has been hard on both of us, but we have promised not to let that happen again. it is simply to difficult to not share important moments in life with the people that you love, and there is no one on the planet i love more than my Ru. He did come and visit me a couple of weeks ago and we celebrated our Christmas together and also our anniversary. it was all wonderful. we opened our little presents from each other and we had breakfast...pancakes, eggs and bacon and drank mimosa's and we snuggled on the couch and we did not get out of our pj's all day. we just talked and played and held each other. it was GREAT! the next night i came home from work and walked in the door.....and there were rose petals all over the floor with notes....and instructions. i, of course, was immediately laughing......but i followed the trail and did as instructed....go here, but down your things - which, you must understand....Ru never does not meet me at the door when i come home - go here and pick up your drink...have a sip, stop here and remove your clothing....except my good girl undies...(yes, i was due a good girl spanking and had the undies for the occasion; they say "i've been good..." on the back side).....go here and so forth..... following the rose petals all the way. it was great fun and a wonderful spanking i MUST say ...... and yes, i was VERY over due. so when i finally get to open the bedroom door, i walk in and there are the pillows placed so nicely on the bed, with candles lit and ALL of our implements on the bed.....one's i was not even aware of....like cooking utensils...lol!!! So, i knew i was in for it, my heart was racing, i was a little scared, but sooo ready! it gets hard with him being away. i crave the feel of him....... but this one was filled with lots of giggling right along with the owie's. i loved it. it was a very long one..... pretty intense, but all the giggling and drinking we were doing made it very fun. my bottom was actually a bit sore the next day and i think that might be the first time i have really been sore. There was lots of licking of various body parts on both of our sides..... then when he was finally done, with the wooden spoons, the leather paddle, the the yard stick, the pain stir, the new acrylic paddles i bought him for Christmas (that facial expression was priceless! got it on film), and the hairbrush, we had the most wonderfully intense sex that was soooo soooo, satisfyingly wonderful.....then we got dressed and went out to this really nice Italian restaurant. it was divine. i drank to much....i have a tendency to do that with Ru...haha...then we came home and lit a fire and somehow i ended up bent over a chair in front of it!? Now how does that happen? it was great fun. Ru and i always seem to have a great time together.

i did get one other spanking before he left. this one was a bit different......a first for us i suppose. i always get very upset when he leaves. i even get mad at him sometimes after he leaves. and i get depressed and i act like a brat. i don't mean to, it is just that as my love for him grows, it gets hard to let him go each time. i know it will not be forever, but that does not matter in the middle of it. i feel so complete when he is here sharing my life. then he leaves and everything looses it's color, so to speak. Well, we have talked abt it before.....the preemptive spanking.....but neither of us were sure it was a good idea. but after the last visit i got so down that i, well i think we both decided on our own, that it was worth a try. we discussed it briefly but he did not really say if he was going to do it or not.....well he did AND i was taken a bit by surprise, which was not a bad thing. it was short, but very intense. he spanked me until i promised to behave the following day (translation - not to torture him) and said i know that he loved me. i think i gave in a bit to early. it did have an impact on me i think. i think maybe it should have been a bit more, but i was impressed that he tried it out at all to be honest. i do believe it helped in having the desired affect. not that it completely stopped me from being a ninny, but it helped. thanks baby. i know it was hard for you.

so, i will try to be better with my blogging as well. i cannot promise anything mind you..... but i will try!

so, Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa or happy whatever you are celebrating this time of year. May you all have happy spankings by the fire on a cold winters night.

Lu

Faith in Love?

life is messy. it is confusing. how do we know if we are making the right decision or the biggest mistake of our life? we do not. we must take it on faith that we know ourselves and those we love well enough to do the right things and make the right decisions. Someone told me today that i lack faith...... i do not lack faith, but i do not think any of us can have blind faith forever...... burn me enough times and my faith in you will waiver and eventually fail. i am human after all. also, why would anyone want to purposely hurt another person? AND after that expect them to continue to have blind faith in them..........REALLY????? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

well i do have faith in those that have faith in me. in those that are deserving of faith. i am loyal. i am true. i am deep. i am sharing. i am giving. i am honest. with those that will let me be these things, anyway. it is amazing how many people will not let you be these things to them. this is why i have such a connection with RU. he loves these things abt me. he draws them out in me and i cannot help but be me to the core of me when i am with him. there is no better gift a partner can give than to accept you the way you are; to love you just as you are and not want you to change. i love him most of all for this gift. it is the most important thing he could ever give to me.

back to faith..........i am not a religious person, but i try hard to have faith in mankind. it is hard. we are stupid and are easily swayed. we are often rude and uncaring, but in each of us i believe lies the potential to be a good person. i cannot help that i believe this. i am glad i hold on to it. i have been through some very hard times and harder relationships in my life and i have seen many women that are bitter and jaded from less than i have been through. i do not want to be like that. i am a lover! i want to love and to be loved. i want to spoil someone who appreciates it. i want to be spoiled by someone who does it just to see me smile. i say now i will never give up on love........who knows what time will bring though or how time will change me. i cannot imagine giving up and not having someone to love or to love me. i have so much love in my heart, so how can i not have faith in love?

pic from naomisstudio.com

Morning imaginings

As I lay in bed
The sheets
They weigh me down
As they press upon
My rear
So very small and round
For I know what
Awaits me
Later on this day
When I see him they’ll be
No waiting
Across his lap I’ll lay
He will lift my skirt
Give me rules
I’ll take an innocent guise
He’ll lower my panties
And gaze out
Upon his naked prize
There he will see
Anticipation
In the goose bumps on my ass
Then he will make it
Very clear
I should not have been bad in class
“Hands out front
Eyes forward
Be still, you have earned this”
Then he will lean down
And whisper
“I love you” with a kiss
The falls will come
One by one
In a steady cadence
He will continue
Harder faster
Until I’ve paid my penance
He will use his hand
To warm me
And ready me for the rest
Then he will take out
The paddle
Because I love it best
After that I
Will stand
As he strips me bare
Then over the bed
I will go
With my bottom in the air
He will finish
Ruler in hand
My bottom sore and red
Then he will rub it
Caress it
As he pulls me into bed
With our senses
Highly roused
We will begin to explore
As we take each other
With sweet release
Like nothing ever before
We lay there spent
And satisfied
As we nuzzle into each other
We lay there and giggle
And reminisce
As we are so in love with our lover

Spanking please?

So, i have not had a good spanking in a while. Ru was here last week but it was too chaotic and we ended up out late for business almost every night which put a huge damper on our play time; and to top it all off i was not feeling well the last day. *sigh* i hate it when life gets in the way of my play! don't get me wrong; it was wonderful having RU here and spending time together.......there is nothing better. but, i think i am in bad need of a spanking.......yes.....yes i am. i even sent my loving Ru some nice pics of me in his favorite extremely short skirt.....bending over various things in my house.......oh yeah, i am bad......and i am sure i am in for it......i pretty much made sure of that.....like that pic i chose above RU? like those socks? LOL! i am very excited to see him again. this back and forth gets a little old every now and then...ok...all the time, but he is worth it. i, however, need to feel his ......control is such a Strong word, but is what comes to mind.......over me. his assertive hands on me. i have been making way too many decisions at work lately and would love for him to make some for me for a change. you know, i have been thinking a lot lately about why i like it.....spanking...... being spanked. Ru and i even talk about it sometimes. We both agree that one reason, and there are many, but one of the more driving reasons for me is that it takes me completely away from everything. it clears my head....there is nothing else but that moment in time.....Ru and me and my bare bottom being lit up under his firm stroke........ it is the one time i don't think of anything else......there is no work, no worry, no yesterday, no tomorrow......only that moment. i have a very cluttered brain that is very overactive. i have problems shutting it off.....LOL. there are many more reasons i like it. i did not know that the act of being spanked would take me away from the world so completely when i was daydreaming about it all the time, but it is definitely a benefit. i do like the sting too......haha....don't tell RU. i like the complete submission of it (not sure how else to describe) even though i have trouble reaching that place. it has only happened once; the complete ......giving in.... but even so i like putting myself in his hands; the act of submitting.....putting my trust in him.....letting him take me to some other place. i make it sound so serious and some times it is serious and some times it is fun and we giggle and i squirm.......there are just so many sides to it for me and i love letting him take me where ever he thinks i need to go. i love him even more for it; for letting me put that much trust in one person and not being wrong to do so. Anyway....enough of my sap!

i cannot express my excitement to see him tomorrow. My Ru, he is a planner, and i just love that he takes the time to make plans for me....for us. i don't really like planning too much..... BUT when i do make a plan at least you know it is important....to me at least. so, sorry i have not had a good spanking story in a while, but i hope to have one for you all soon. i will be away for a few days so i am not sure when i will be able to make a new post.

i hope you all have a very spankable Halloween!!!! i will certainly try to make the best of my few short days with RU.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! IT IS OUR DAY AFTER ALL!

The Noise of Missing

this is not my norm in writing, but i really like this one for some reason. it really describes the way i feel at the moment and since i was updating my journal i thought i would share with you all. I hope you like it.


THE NOISE OF MISSING

In silence I sit
As the world moves around me
In a hazy miasma
I seem to move in sluggish circles
While every thing else
Rapidly passes me
So much I am missing
By not sharing
So many experiences
Not lived out loud
Because someone is missing


I move in silence
As I wait to catch up
With the kaleidoscopic world
That twirls around me
To see my surroundings
In their full brilliance
As I wait for the moments
That will take my breath away
And in those
Reach the zenith of my days
So much input undelivered
So many actions
Not lived out loud
Because someone is missing

October

So, October is generally my favorite month. It starts to cool off, fall is all around and of course, there is Halloween......one of my favorite holidays!! I just love Halloween. it is so much fun. it was always a big deal at my house when i was little. There were always parties and festivities and decorations and candy...... and laughter. this year is a bit different for me. i feel like my life is in a bit of disarray so i cannot decorate or celebrate the way i would truly like. At least, though, i want to celebrate. that is a big change from the last few Halloween's that have passed. i will be visiting some friends for the occasion and hope to have a good time, but as i will be out of town, dressing up will not be on the list of festivities...... that may not be a bad thing for me LOL. i would dearly love to spend the day with my Ru, but i cannot so i will try not get down about it...... there is always next year.

BUT, wouldn't it be fun to put on your sexiest little witch costume and get a wonderful spanking for all the toil and trouble you will be stirring up later that night?! OH Yeah! i would love to add that to my favorite fun holiday festivities.....*sigh*.......next year.

anyway, i just wanted to share my enthusiasm for this time of year. I love the scary movies and the haunted houses and all the freaks that like to partake. I mean, there is a little freak in all of us, and a lot in most of you reading this (and the person writing it). so i say get your freak on this month!!!! there is no better time to do it! grab your bottom, light a fire in the hearth, then light a fire on her/his behind! yeeehaww!

Love our Lurkers

Today is the 4th annual Love our Lurkers day! i am not sure how many people actually read the content here, i hope at least a few. i hope that someone reading is getting a little bit out of what Ru and i post. we decided to share our experiences with all of you......whoever would read.....whoever needed to know what this journey was like or could be like. i did not have any expectations that i would grow a famous blog or anything when i started this....... but now i am challenging all of you out there, the silent readers, to speak up and type at us! i am calling out all who visit here to leave a comment and let us know, at least, that we are not alone. if your a spanko and you know it leave a comment *clap* *clap*! let us know if there is something we could do, questions we could answer that would help you, or other things you would like to know or just type us a hello. i think Ru and i would be up for sharing anything we could.

i would never say i do not bite, because i have been known to, but i will respect your inquiries should you have any and be happy to answer or pass along any info or knowledge i may have on the subject. SO, please let us know that you are out there on this fine LOL day!

isn't it time you made your voice heard in the spanko community? i mean, we are freaks in our own right and, personnally, i would not change that about myself for anything in the world. my life would not be half as much fun as it is were i not the freak i was born to be. :)

COME ON... TYPE AT US! LET US KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE!!!

Thanks to Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts for organising!!!

All About Moments

Well I am very overdue in updating you fine folks. I have just been so busy. I seriously don’t know how so many bloggers can stay current. But I need to chip in and share, so here we go.

I see my darling LU has provided you with an update on our recent adventures. She does such a wonderful job. By now I am sure you guys must agree that I am truly blessed to have her in my life. I don’t know what she sees in me. Let me tell you about my darling LU. By the way, that is a remarkable cartoon likeness in the picture above. First you should know that if you ever pass her on the street and speak, you would recognize her at once I think. I was reading her update below and it is just so…..LU. She is beautiful inside and out. Completely! And her angel eyes… they captivate you…. She looks through you …. You feel completely transparent, and unable to hide anything from her .... not that you want to. You simply can not resist her gravity. And for our spanko friends out there, I would be remiss if I did not tell you about what a very fine athletic bottom we are working with here. I mean even the women in the house would have to say … Damn! Oh and she got this ultra short pleated tennis skirt the other day and I simply can’t tell you what it does to me…….. ***daydream*** …… Sorry I checked out for a minute there…….

I find it interesting that she originally started this blog as a way to share the things she wanted talk about or were bottled up, in part because we are remote and I am not physically there most of the time to be the companion she deserves. She did not really intend for it to be a blog about spanking. But to our surprise, we have discovered a whole world out there of people like us and the blog has been quite therapeutic at times. So with that, I would like to share with you one of my favorite moments of last week (excluding the porch and OTK time that LU has already shared with you). As you know, it IS …. all about moments with me.

So we do not get many full weekends together, but I do love to wake up with her curled in my arms … naked of course. I do love that about her. Our closeness always intensifies and develops into full blown intimacy ……. A great way to start you day I must say. After an appropriate cool down and cuddle time, I like to slip away and make the coffee. I like to bring her breakfast in bed so to speak. On this day it consisted of powdered donuts (oh I can cook…..never fear) and coffee (with whip cream of course). I do this on purpose because the powder gets everywhere when you eat them and I get to lick all the parts that get sugar on them…… oh and she can be a messy eater when rewards are involved! Yummy!

We then curl up together, still naked and clean of sugar, and have our coffee and chat. We also have started two “traditions” I guess one could say. Neither of us have ever been gamblers. But we have purchased a lottery ticket every time we have a weekend together. LU and I have both kind of been without dreams for a while until we became a couple. Once you obtain your dreams, or situations make them no longer relevant, you must replace them. Life without dreams is a sad thing. Our dream is to run away together to Bora Bora! So we kiss, and pull up the internet and check our tickets. Oh we will never win, that is not the point. The point is to have a dream together and to work for it as a team.

We also check our blog (HI guys!) and then spend a little time at the Sunday Brunch with our good friends at My Bottom Smarts. It is fun.

Anyway, nothing beats the moments we have together when you have shared interest. I hope you have enjoyed my update. I have more to share but must get back to the grind! Until next time…..