disappointment

so, Ru was supposed to come and see me this week, fly in today actually and this morning i found out he was not coming. i have been distraught all day. i feel like we have not had any true quality time together in a long while. i feel....disconnected. this was going to be my chance to reconnect. lots of things have been happening with me in RL......i feel like my head has been spinning for a long time and it is just now stopping.....when i really need him to be here with me to help me regain my focus he cannot be here. it is not his fault that he could not come and had to cancel at the last minute. life and death.......they do take their toll on us don't they? though i know it is not his fault and there is nothing he could have ever done to prevent the death that keeps him from me, i am still very angry .......... so very angry. i have not been this angry in a very long time. i am not an angry person really, but i use anger to decrease the hurt....the pain.... it is easier than feeling sad and lonely; but i feel more than my fair share of that right now as well. although i know i am more angry at the situation than at him, but.........

you see, it is his birthday. i love birthday's and who does not want to celebrate the birth of the person they love more than any other? well, i know some people, but we wont talk abt that. it is his first birthday for us as a couple. it meant a lot to me that he would be here..... at my place, in my surroundings, where i can drop my guard more than any other place we are together....... and i feel i have been very guarded lately due to these RL issues. i had such great plans for us. i have lots of firewood, i left him notes all over, i made him a cake and decorated it.....all by my self! yes, that is kind of frightening....but it was fun and i enjoyed it b/c i knew he would. i had beans soaking overnight for a great meal tonight.....AND i picked out a nice little school girl outfit, complete with newly "acquired" old school wooden ruler (i did not steal it from work, LOL) and laid it out on the bed. i was going to email him with a scenario at some point during the day, or write it out and come home at lunch and leave it on the desk for him....about what i had done that was so very naughty and deserved such a great spanking....well ......i found out very early this morning he was not coming. i was devastated. no kidding... i see myself as a strong woman, as most of my friends do, so it actually bothers me that i got so upset and angry abt it...... am still so upset and angry abt it. i keep trying to figure it out. why on earth would i feel anger toward the person i love more than anything for some thing he absolutely could not control? i have even said a couple of really horrible things......of course i apologized right away and i did tell him this morning that i was afraid i would do just that. but if he had any idea what i did not say........i think he would understand. on the contrary, i should respect him for going to be with his family, they really need him now, instead of blowing them off to be with me. i mean, he ate the air fare for his ticket......... it is an honorable thing he did..............but i hate it. i do. i hate it. Am i really so selfish? yes. yes i am....when it comes to ru, you bet your ass i am. i have never never never been like this ever in my life, esp not over a man. it scares me. i will admit. what have i gotten my self into? there is no escape. i have always been in control of my own life; not that i have made the best decisions all the time..... but, i do not feel so in control any more. i am not sure if i like that or not.......esp since we have .... complications yet to conquer. but i miss him. every minute of every day that we are not together.

ru, i am so sorry if i said anything that hurt you. i tried hard not to let my emotions get the best of me.........that is why i get quiet when i am upset........better not to say anything than say something i would regret. i love u so much. i know u feel i have been distant lately, but it is......you know....... and if it all works out, we will be closer. i really wanted you to be here. i wanted to share this with you. you made my birthday so special. i wanted to make yours the same. full of great memories. this was my turn to create them for you as you have created so many for me. i am sorry i have acted like such a brat today. i love you. more that you know.